Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Black Girl Lost

I'm a black girl lost, not because I'm looking for a man to define me/not because I wasn't loved as a child, I just wasn't loved at the right times by the right people/it seems so simple now but then, it was confusing but it never hurt/Love is a funny thing because even when someone is hurting you love can also be present! Love hurts it's just the way it is/I've been hurt better yet deeply scarred that's why I know I'm a black girl lost/my hurt hasn't manifested into promiscuous sex or drug use but it has removed me from myself/I've always felt distance but never knew where I was going! In a movie I once heard someone refer to his friend as "one of those people who lives inside their head" A few friends of mine have told me "your always thinking" I thought everyone was "always thinking" or maybe that's me just over-thinking, again! I feel like I'm nearing my end although I know it's suppose to be the beginning/the words I write are raw emotions that I express through words because it's easier for people to understand, I think? I've always been "classified" as a person who is "strong" "street&book smart" but I've never been strong enough to defeat myself or my demons! There are some people who would say I should look to "God" but "God" doesn't represent me! "God" & "religion" go so far against my core I'm at a lost for words. Although "religion" doesn't represent Tanya I know many people who couldn't live another day without their faith and I respect that! Sometimes I think I'm crazy but other times I think I'm just different! I know everyone's different in some way whether it's good or bad, with me it's a combination of both with a dash of weirdo...I wonder if my words come across as erratic or conformed, suicidal even? As I write them they flow naturally, in the past I would self-edit my words as I wrote them. Now I just think "why did I write that" I've always defined myself by what I've written because I know that if I wrote it, it meant something to me, even Something as simple as a text message! I feel more different than usual and it scares me! I love everyone who I had a pleasure to connect with throughout my life, EVERYONE, from the one night stand to my childhood friends! I wish I could have developed better relationships with family members who I didn't have the pleasure to grow up with, it seems like I relate to them more than the family members I grew up with? If you take the time to read this you will see that I haven't mentioned my mother or my son. My love for them and their love for me is the only thing I don't question in this world! I want to talk about my maternal grandmother for a moment, why because I have strong feelings towards her that I never expressed! First I wanna say may she R.I.P and I did and still do love her but by her own admission she didn't like me, she told me many times! I would go over and beyond for this women and get no results, I never understood why she hated me so much? I love my baby daddy (Thomas Kinney) and I never let him go (DMX voice) hahahah but seriously I love him because he loves me so hard! He once told me I was cold-hearted, yet he still loves me! I love you too even though I can't say ya name (the streets be on they job) LOL! just wanted to let you day when we're chillin I'll just come right out and say it! sometimes I wish I could just scream I love you while running down the street, I think it would surprise you why I love you! If your second guessing if I'm talking about you, I am! Shavon Maxey, I know you didn't think you were gonna escape a mention in my writing! We've been friends for too damn long and you are the sister I never had. I could go a lot further but some people still to this day think we were lovers, smh! I love being me but it's fucking frustrating. LaQuanda Stovall I know your shocked to see your name but I wanted to let you know that your one of the realist females I know and don't ever lose that! All the shit we've done over the years boy O boy but it was all fun and I don't regret shit! Jennise Dorsey you singled handedly rearranged my entire life in 2010! I could never express to you in words how that makes me feel! It's funny though because In the past I based our friendship on shallow shit but I see how you move and I respect that! My homegirl Salena Desland we had a rocky start but it's all love. I use to think we was cool because of my cousin but I know that's so far from the truth. I would do anything for you and those kids I know you know that! Nichole Daughtry I know your mad I called you Nichole but hey that's what your mama named you Nikkie, LOL! You are the most honest and trustworthy person on the planet! You don't have one shady bone in your body and I love you for it! I wish you would marry me but your too good for me! My godson's gonna test you to no limit but your strong in an unconventional way and your doing great as a mom! You taught me a lot about patience and I love you for it. I know I'm a bitch and I'm mean but your still around. Shanevea Scott we've been friends before we knew we were friends, LOL! For a minute we didn't speak but always know that it wasn't on no phony shit! Our lives were just going in opposite directions! I love you and ya fam the same way I love my own fam. I wanted you to be my son's godmother because I knew that you could show him a lavish type of lifestyle. I love my Goddaughter and when she starts doing the shit we use to do, she can come live with me! If you took time out to read this thank you and if I tagged you it was for a reason.

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