Tuesday, October 4, 2011


Certified pre-owned never had a man of her own always down to bone cuz she's all alone/ Shorty bad she has a bedroom body not much personality she calls herself a bad bitch and says it proudly/take a step into reality love yourself and life's praises come naturally/ she gets paid with reality checks when she puts it down and hours later he's nowhere to be found/ her self-worth is profound if she stands her ground and allows herself to own it riddled with doubt from empty relationships

no Debate!

I reflect on my life N wonder how I stand/ I will never be defeated cuz I'm my own fan....people always have somethin to say and talking out they ass/ they never say it to my face so I let it pass....I peep people up close and from a distance/ my plans coming together like a surgeons's precision...don't worry cuz I never sleep/ my love for my family runs hella deep...they say dreams come true but what if you never sleep....life's a bitch so I go hard/ I write to keep me from seein prison bars...life's what you make it and I have the recipe/ my word is my bond no one can see me....how these dumb bitch's function is beyond me/ they stay on their knees for a bag of trees...then they wonder why these dudes say they don't love these hoes/ it's because before the bitch knew his name she took off her clothes...chicks think they low we know you treat ya nose...shit is real out here people are stressed out/ blunt smoke makes problems fade out... foreigners talk about the American dream/ that shit 'aint half of what it seems...people starving over here in the states/ but we suppose to be the richest so there's no debate....

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Self Deprivation

I keep telling myself the reason I want you so bad is because the sex is so good but I'm lying! It's the emotions attached to it that keep my interest, I know your not good for me but I don't care....It's difficult to go days without you and know the feelings aren't mutual! I know the type of female you want but the stubbornness in me doesn't care! I love being me along with all my flaws....Flaws that are superficial because I'm comfortable with me but society is not! I know you love the streets cuz that's all you know but I promise if you give me a chance your life would enhance leaps and bounds, I just want you around! Our friendship is important to me but my feelings don't care, I'd express them more often but the game has told me that's not a good Idea, I don't want to push you away! I guess if I can't have the whole you, then I'll take a piece...I just wish you  would trust me enough to let me in but I understand why not so I accept it. I've always gotten who and what I wanted but you give me enough to keep me around and that's all, sometimes I wonder why I'm selling myself short but when we're together everything you do to upset me goes out the window and when you leave I'm left with the view!  I'm very familiar with your attitude because it use to be mine but have you ever had anyone love you unconditionally? I just wonder what you really think about our situation, I know many people say they want to hear the truth but I mean what I say! If I'm just good enough to fuck then tell me, I'm not going to say it wouldn't hurt my feelings to hear that but I rather you be honest with me. I can't control how I feel and I don't want to,  I just want to know how you really feel, really I wanna know what you think! 

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Heavy Heart

Being with you makes me ecstatic, I feel like the planets have aligned in my favor and nothing can stop my joy! After so many years I still get goosebumps when you come around, my hearts starts beating at a rapid pace when I think about how we fall asleep face to face. When we're together I don't want to be any other place but with you, you make me feel like this has to be superficial, it can't be real! Your presence is what I adore your personality can't be ignored I even love when you snore and I can feel your breath on my nose, my heart feels so exposed but when you leave I feel ignored, like the feelings are only mutual for the moment no substance just opportunity. 


Memories have carried me through the years
burden filled tears dreams filled with fears
turn into nightmares and blank stares
swallowing my pride
learning to hide
from the hurt inside
filling a void becoming annoyed
with life and it's strife
sharp pains shoot through my soul
I can't control it
so I sit and write my way on a mental vacation
accepting happiness in every place visited
basking in my thoughts like a drug
learning to sweep petty inconsistencies of
life, love and pain under the rug

Monday, January 24, 2011

Storm Chasers

Yeah it's me/ you know the one you always ignore never ever really thought about before/ the one who you've hurt to the core because you care for others more! Yeah it's me, the last one standing the one that's never demanding/ always a breath of fresh air when compared to others/ why bother pointing out the obnoxious stares/ it's the attention you crave/ how do they view me, the real me? Is that me or am I just a reflection of them from within? I didn't apply for this position but it's the one I've been enlisted.......IN! they told me this was a bargain otherwise I'd be subjected to the jargon of the norm/ fuck the storm I was born to conquer waves a hundred feet high/ navigate the seas of life with strife and apprehension/ I'm on a mission to separate, elevate and aggravate the naive / it's been planted in me like a seed/ so I feel it like a need/ I take shit to the extreme/ like a drug dealer trying to get the most cream/ like Malcom we all "have a dream" but nightmares are also dreams/ vivid stories of realty depicted in actuality not conformed by factuality but just a dream...

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Uncertain Terms

I think this is the end! I've been sad an unhappy before but this is different. everyday it gets worse and I don't know what to think. I've tried to commit suicide 4 times over the years and wondered why it didn't come to fruition? Church goin folks would say "it wasn't my time!" I've never been a "happy" person just appeared to be! I started going to church around the time I was being molested and all I kept hearing was you should never have hate in your heart; you should love your enemies! Those words didn't coincide with my thoughts, I had thoughts of rage, a passionate sense of betrayal! During my teenage years I use to think it was normal for what was happening to me to happen! Psychology 101 tells me that being molested for many years contributes to my lack of emotion. I think it's more than that. What I didn't do affects me more than what actually happened. I truly believe that's why I'm bisexual! I knew at the age of 8 or so that I was attracted to men as well as women! Sex has never been an issue with men, considering I was molested by a man for so many years. I don't have the ability to connect emotionally with men, that's how molestation has effected me. With that being said women extract emotion from me and that's what I love! I'm a cerebral person and I know it but at the same time I wish I didn't understand things so deeply, I wish my thoughts had plausible deniability!

Black Girl Lost

I'm a black girl lost, not because I'm looking for a man to define me/not because I wasn't loved as a child, I just wasn't loved at the right times by the right people/it seems so simple now but then, it was confusing but it never hurt/Love is a funny thing because even when someone is hurting you love can also be present! Love hurts it's just the way it is/I've been hurt better yet deeply scarred that's why I know I'm a black girl lost/my hurt hasn't manifested into promiscuous sex or drug use but it has removed me from myself/I've always felt distance but never knew where I was going! In a movie I once heard someone refer to his friend as "one of those people who lives inside their head" A few friends of mine have told me "your always thinking" I thought everyone was "always thinking" or maybe that's me just over-thinking, again! I feel like I'm nearing my end although I know it's suppose to be the beginning/the words I write are raw emotions that I express through words because it's easier for people to understand, I think? I've always been "classified" as a person who is "strong" "street&book smart" but I've never been strong enough to defeat myself or my demons! There are some people who would say I should look to "God" but "God" doesn't represent me! "God" & "religion" go so far against my core I'm at a lost for words. Although "religion" doesn't represent Tanya I know many people who couldn't live another day without their faith and I respect that! Sometimes I think I'm crazy but other times I think I'm just different! I know everyone's different in some way whether it's good or bad, with me it's a combination of both with a dash of weirdo...I wonder if my words come across as erratic or conformed, suicidal even? As I write them they flow naturally, in the past I would self-edit my words as I wrote them. Now I just think "why did I write that" I've always defined myself by what I've written because I know that if I wrote it, it meant something to me, even Something as simple as a text message! I feel more different than usual and it scares me! I love everyone who I had a pleasure to connect with throughout my life, EVERYONE, from the one night stand to my childhood friends! I wish I could have developed better relationships with family members who I didn't have the pleasure to grow up with, it seems like I relate to them more than the family members I grew up with? If you take the time to read this you will see that I haven't mentioned my mother or my son. My love for them and their love for me is the only thing I don't question in this world! I want to talk about my maternal grandmother for a moment, why because I have strong feelings towards her that I never expressed! First I wanna say may she R.I.P and I did and still do love her but by her own admission she didn't like me, she told me many times! I would go over and beyond for this women and get no results, I never understood why she hated me so much? I love my baby daddy (Thomas Kinney) and I never let him go (DMX voice) hahahah but seriously I love him because he loves me so hard! He once told me I was cold-hearted, yet he still loves me! I love you too even though I can't say ya name (the streets be on they job) LOL! just wanted to let you know...one day when we're chillin I'll just come right out and say it! sometimes I wish I could just scream I love you while running down the street, I think it would surprise you why I love you! If your second guessing if I'm talking about you, I am! Shavon Maxey, I know you didn't think you were gonna escape a mention in my writing! We've been friends for too damn long and you are the sister I never had. I could go a lot further but some people still to this day think we were lovers, smh! I love being me but it's fucking frustrating. LaQuanda Stovall I know your shocked to see your name but I wanted to let you know that your one of the realist females I know and don't ever lose that! All the shit we've done over the years boy O boy but it was all fun and I don't regret shit! Jennise Dorsey you singled handedly rearranged my entire life in 2010! I could never express to you in words how that makes me feel! It's funny though because In the past I based our friendship on shallow shit but I see how you move and I respect that! My homegirl Salena Desland we had a rocky start but it's all love. I use to think we was cool because of my cousin but I know that's so far from the truth. I would do anything for you and those kids I know you know that! Nichole Daughtry I know your mad I called you Nichole but hey that's what your mama named you Nikkie, LOL! You are the most honest and trustworthy person on the planet! You don't have one shady bone in your body and I love you for it! I wish you would marry me but your too good for me! My godson's gonna test you to no limit but your strong in an unconventional way and your doing great as a mom! You taught me a lot about patience and I love you for it. I know I'm a bitch and I'm mean but your still around. Shanevea Scott we've been friends before we knew we were friends, LOL! For a minute we didn't speak but always know that it wasn't on no phony shit! Our lives were just going in opposite directions! I love you and ya fam the same way I love my own fam. I wanted you to be my son's godmother because I knew that you could show him a lavish type of lifestyle. I love my Goddaughter and when she starts doing the shit we use to do, she can come live with me! If you took time out to read this thank you and if I tagged you it was for a reason.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


Your silhouette got me wet
vividly remembering the day we met
nothing ever offset our focus
when drama surfaced we swarmed it like locusts 
I'm ready to..... DAMN ya bodies warm 
I'm ready to outperform transform make ya
pussy wet as a rainstorm....Put ya uniform on
I wanna undress you from head to toe
throw the pussy in my face I'm a pro 
you and I equal the perfect combo-
I wanna express my love for you to the Nation
your Gods most delicate creation without hesitation
your next sensation won't come from penetration
just me manipulating your body so it can achieve vindication
from it's previous situation....