Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Uncertain Terms

I think this is the end! I've been sad an unhappy before but this is different. everyday it gets worse and I don't know what to think. I've tried to commit suicide 4 times over the years and wondered why it didn't come to fruition? Church goin folks would say "it wasn't my time!" I've never been a "happy" person just appeared to be! I started going to church around the time I was being molested and all I kept hearing was you should never have hate in your heart; you should love your enemies! Those words didn't coincide with my thoughts, I had thoughts of rage, a passionate sense of betrayal! During my teenage years I use to think it was normal for what was happening to me to happen! Psychology 101 tells me that being molested for many years contributes to my lack of emotion. I think it's more than that. What I didn't do affects me more than what actually happened. I truly believe that's why I'm bisexual! I knew at the age of 8 or so that I was attracted to men as well as women! Sex has never been an issue with men, considering I was molested by a man for so many years. I don't have the ability to connect emotionally with men, that's how molestation has effected me. With that being said women extract emotion from me and that's what I love! I'm a cerebral person and I know it but at the same time I wish I didn't understand things so deeply, I wish my thoughts had plausible deniability!

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